Evil Letters to Capcom
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Finally, a series! Several characters have finished playing the RE-games, and a lot of them have something to complain about. Read their letters to Capcom. Four; Chris on RE5! About time.
1. HUNK

You may have seen Krauser's, Leon's, Weskers of Mr. Merchant's Letters to Capcom. Now I present to you the ones that never made it into a singleone-shot. Evil Letters to Capcom from the villains and minor characters of the series.

I am starting with **HUNK**, who **DOES** deserve a one-shot, but isn't getting one. 'Cause he's a mini-game character, therefore gets to be in these mini-series too. Also, my account is getting too crowded with one-shots.

**Disclaimer;**I do not, have not and will not ever own Resident Evil. Capcom did, does and probably will forever own Resident Evil. Sue me, it will not work.

_(Oh yeah, as for the penname? I changed it. More info on profile and my sincere apologies for the inconvenience. I hated TakerTookmyToys so much. YUGH.)_

* * *

**Company!**

Isn't it amazing how I started with a word like that, rather than addressing you as 'Capcom', just like everyone else did? There's a good reason for that; You never use my name, either.  
I'm not sure why you never gave me a name. Is it because it's so damn hard to find out what it is? Or is it because I'm only a mini-game character, therefore do not need a name?

If you can't seem to find out about it;  
Good job, H.U.N.K. Mission accomplished. You're still unknown, and that's what you aim for.

If you never gave me name because you didn't think I would need it;  
Robert Kendo, Joseph Frost and many others did have names. A first and a last name, even. But were they really important? Did they do anything that could've changed the series? No, they died.

**They Died**

I am Human Unit Never Killed, I don't die, _the Death cannot die_. That, to me, is reason enough to give me a name, an age and some background information. Yet, that never happened. I get the mini-games, I get the crappy TMP in the mercenaries and I get a damn mask.

You know what, Company? Let me break this down into little pieces, to make it seem more organised.

**HUNK goes WTF 1; Gasmask.**

In Resident Evil I seem like one of the sanest characters, as I am smart enough to wear a gasmask during a viral outbreak. I approve of this, as I really don't like getting sick, and doubt turning into a zombie would've done me any good.

However, in Resident Evil 4's the Mercenaries I wear one too. I wonder why, since I doubt I could've ended up with a plaga just because I breathed the same air as the ganados did. Luis didn't have a plaga, I believe Krauser didn't, and nor did Ada, yet they lived. So I don't think that was such a dangerous situation in the first place. Not for HUNK anyway.

Also... You know, there's nothing wrong with the way I look. The name HUNK doesn't just mean 'Human Unit Never Killed'. I got it for two reasons, and the second reason shouldn't be too hard to guess. If you can't seem to figure it out, ask the ladies, they would be happy to explain it to you. That means it's fine to show my face, maybe I'd finally end up with some more fangirls... If even Krauser has them with a face like that, I think I would get some too, just show my face more often.

So lose the mask when I don't really need it. It's ridiculous. And kind of heavy on my face all the time, especially in combination with the evil red goggles and helmet.

**HUNK goes WTF 2; No mask.**

In the epilogue of Resident Evil 3 I am shown without my mask. Same thing happens during the Umbrella Chronicles, when you see my face reflected in that vial. I also think I was shown without the mask during one of the Outbreak games.

The thing here? I look different in all three games. In one I looked Australian, in one I looked American and in one I looked... Well, ugly.

Does that make sense to you, Company? Because to me, it doesn't. Not one bit. Yes, I do have blond hair, but if you look at my face, the picture in Resident Evil 3 comes closest. Please make sure to stick to that look from now on, I would appreciate it.

**HUNK goes WTF 3; TMP.**

I don't know if you are aware of it, but I own a custom handgun named Matilda. In Resident Evil 4, Matilda had suddenly evolved into a TMP. Now I don't mind TMP's, but when a man nicknames his weapon, then that means he will not allow anyone to mess with it. As cold as I may seem, or even be, that weapon holds emotional value. So turn Matilda back before I come over and make you.

Yes, that is a threat. No, I have never failed a mission.

**HUNK goes WTF 4; Tofu.**

The Tofu Survivor? Tofu? I'm sorry, but do you actually think I can be replaced by something that is made of food? I don't see the logic there. I know why you did it, but I still think it's insane. Tofu did not survive Raccoon City. Hardly anything did. The survival rate was four percent, and no, Tofu wasn't part of those four percent.

You really need to grow a brain and get a hobby, since I don't quite like the things you appear to come up with when you are bored.

**HUNK goes WTF 5; HUNK.**

That would be me, indeed. I am HUNK, Human Unit Never Killed and I am currently 3- years old. My name is M....... I bet you wanted to know that.

Yes, you do, but I won't tell you. You know why not? Because if you want to know, you should come and find out yourself. If you're capable of finding out that much information about Wesker, then why not about me? You need a new antagonist, do you not? Well, you found one. Come and get him.

**HUNK goes WTF 6; Mini-games.**

It annoys me how I am always behind the scenes, despite the fact I did some things that were rather remarkable, and definitely important. I retrieved the G-virus sample single-handedly. I transported a damn tyrant to Rockfort Island. I was constantly ahead of whoever Wesker was working for, much to his annoyance.

I annoyed Albert Wesker, so I deserve more than mini-games, I deserve my own game by now.

**HUNK goes WTF 7; Jack Krauser.**

You know... When Jack was licking Saddler's heels, I was around too. I was mainly there because I had nothing better to do after the fall of Umbrella, but I did make myself useful. The reason Jack was still alive after the fight with Leon?

I was that reason.

I was bored, wandering around, shooting heads off, when I came across the ruins. I gave Jack a first-aid-spray because I like the man, and I left again. Not because I was afraid of anyone seeing me do something nice, but because the island was about to blow up.

I mean, you must've known something about that... You put me in the Mercenaries for a reason, did you not?

**HUNK goes WTF 8; Albert Wesker.**

The man hated my guts, and I like it. I'm one of the very few people that is not and has not ever been afraid of Wesker. Even though the U.S.S. answered to both Birkin and Wesker, I never really feared the man. He wasn't that interesting anyway.

Point here is... I annoyed him quite a bit, and it would've been so much more fun to see that back in the games. I mean, Wesker versus HUNK, I bet some people would've liked that.

**HUNK goes WTF 9; What now?**

Many wonder what I am up to right now. You know, after the fall of Umbrella? Well, guess...

I'm writing letters to you because I don't have anything better to do. I've been in contact with both Wesker and Krauser, but I doubt we'll end up working together. I just don't take authorities that well, I suppose.

Just for the record; I did not join the 'good side'. I've got better stuff to do than saving other people's lifes. Watching my hair grow, for instance.

What I want?

More mini-games. I'm bored, release something new on PS2 and it'll keep me busy for a while. Make sure I am in it, and do not, under any circumstances, kill me.

If you do that, there will be hell to pay. And no, I have never failed a mission. You should know that by now.

**HUNK goes WTF 10; Not enough WTF's.**

I don't have enough to complain about, because you didn't put me in the games that often. Give me bigger roles and I will write longer letters that keep you busy when you're bored, because I never want to see a tofu survivor again.

Tofu... I still can't believe it. I won't tolerate such mockery, Matilda will take care of that.

**I think that about clears it up...**

_Please remember a few things before you throw this letter away, only to ignore it;_

- This is HUNK you're dealing with. I have never failed a mission so make sure to take my threats seriously.  
- This is war. Survival is your responsibility.  
- Stop it, you might hit the sample! (I do not know where that came from... Old habits die hard.)

_One more thing..._

The goggles, they give me psychic powers... (Luis made me write that down, he's been stalking me lately, it's getting quite annoying.)

**Thank you for reading, now get back to making videogames that contain more HUNK-scenes. Or make me a whole game, just for myself, that would be lovely.**

H.U.N.K  
Human Unit Never Killed.

* * *

That was short. But HUNK... He needs more appearances, scenes and his own game. Seriously.

Your choice who is next; Alexia or Alfred Ashford. Let me know :)

Until next time!  
-T. Uhm. I mean FUNK. Geez, you may still call me T, if it makes you feel better. No more Taker or Toys though. WWE started to bore me.

SEE YA. :D


	2. Alexia

It appears Alexia won the battle for now. You can expect Alfred's temper tantrums in a later chapter! :) Maybe 4 or 5, we'll see. ^^

**DON'T OWN, DON'T SUE. **

**Warnings;**Alexia has a potty mouth in a sophisticated way? xD Ahem.

Thanks for reviewing; **Frozen Labyrinth, Zombiegirl2007, WeskyTron4211, Ultimolu, xXLawli-PopXx, d-chan-67, ****Jhyena Aj Jax, rockof90, Desert Starr, Jay Zero Snake, riddlebox89, From-Dark-To-Light and Prisonerksc2-303**.

**Note; **This is humor/general. They are not constantly funny, as most of them are letters with complaints. Try and remember that, thanks ^^

**ENJOY!**

* * *

**Dear Capcom,**

I am Alexia Ashford, the only surviving female of the Ashford Family. Also the only surviving sane person of the Ashford Family, considering my dear brother is nothing but a maniac with an addiction to inhaling helium.  
I, Alexia, have played your rather barbaric videogame, and I am not that pleased with the way you have portrayed me. Do not get me wrong, you did capture my personality and looks pretty well, but some parts of the videogame are to be considered no less than ridiculous.

Please hear me out as I tell you everything I did not like, and, like that man who wears his sunglasses at night asked you, please consider a remake.

**The people;**

_One; Alfred._

My brother, as much as I like the way you showed him to the little people, is very dear to me. I do not approve of the way you portrayed him, because as soon as the game got out, people were starting to make jokes about him.

I find that very sad because, apart from me, he is the only Ashford that is still alive. And, even though you may not believe me here, he has a good heart. Sure, his brain doesn't function the way it should, but his heart does. At least it is still beating anyway.

But I mean it. He adores me, therefore he is quite a sweetheart. So stop making him look like a fool. Only I can do that.

_Two; Claire Redfield._

Ah, are you aware of the fact that she has a brother? Hnnn, of course you are, her brother is in the game as well. You know, her relationship with her brother, though slightly disturbing, reminded me of my relationship with Alfred.

It is the first thing I noticed Claire and I had in common, and I liked it. As time passed by, I also noticed some other things we have in common. We both like talking to emo-men like Steve, we both think the man who wears sunglasses at night is a bit weird, and we both have hair.

Claire and I became friends shortly after she tried to kill me. I hope you can show some more things that we have in common, since I really do not hate her that much. I don't like her brother, but you know... He'll die someday, I'm sure the one who wears sunglasses at night will take care of that.

_Three; Chris Redfield._

A bit annoying, a bit too large and his hair looked really bad. In real life as well as in the game. I don't like him very much. You know, you would think he would take better care of his little sister, but it's more like the opposite happens all the time.

I think it's rather stupid he went missing for months. I don't know what he was up to, but I am pretty sure it caused him to get an STD or two.

I do hope so, anyway.

_Four; Father._

Why did you call him 'Nosferatu'? Were you stealing lines from others again? I don't quite understand why you feel the need to make videogames if you can't think of any names or ideas yourself.

Also, and this isn't a complaint, did you notice the way my father looked? Nice, right? He died as he impregnated my mother, with his hands tied behind his back.

He was such a pervert, he deserved everything that happened to him. I just felt like pointing that out.

_Five; Steve._

He was just the cutest human being I have ever laid eyes on. I had to use him for one of my experiments, because I thought turning him into a giant would actually give him some kind of self-esteem. And he needed to become a giant, because he didn't have anything to compensate for his lack of testicles.

What I did not get though... He was wearing this odd collar. You know, it looked like it had a clock in it or something? It reminded me of this movie called 'Battle Royale'. In that movie the students wear a collar similar to Steve's, and after three days, if they aren't dead or win this barbaric game, the collar explodes.  
I was waiting for Steve's to do the same thing in the game, but it never happened. Think about that, will you? It might add a nice touch. I like decapitation if it's done correctly.

_Six; The man who wears his sunglasses at night._

I know, he has a name. 'Albert Wesker'. Now, what kind of name is that? And why does he wear his sunglasses at night? And why does he think he is worthy of my power? Why did he hide hunter-scanners on my property? And why does he look so damn good?

This man still isn't worthy of my power, so I suggest you give him less appearances in the game, and you give me some more. Also, if he really does need to appear...  
Have him take his shirt off. Then at least I'll have some fun watching him too.

You can not make this man seem more evil than me. You can't. Nobody is more evil than me, for I am Alexia Ashford, and people bow before me.

Well, I wish they did anyway. It's hard to make it happen in real life. Ah, you get what I'm saying right? I bet you never get people to bow before you, either. Mainly because you are probably doing the bowing yourself, so someone else can take you from behind.

No Capcom, I don't like you.

**The game;**

_One; Puzzles._

I like puzzles. I am an intelligent woman, and solving puzzles usually makes me feel like I have accomplished something. While playing the game, I felt accomplished quite a few times, because there were an insane amount of puzzles.

However, I think some of them were either too easy, or a bit stupid.

What I'm trying to say is... It would've been so much more fun had you hidden the items in completely random places. Like you could've hidden the key to the first locked door behind the last locked door. In that case, they wouldn't have gone very far. Or you could've hidden that gas mask in an area beyond the room where the gas was released.

I'm not saying this because the game is too easy, but it's just that in real life, you won't find keys in obvious places. Why not? Because the doors are locked for a good reason. So why place the keys in rooms and places near the locked door?

That is just plain stupid. It's like telling a thief 'my key is placed underneath a potted plant in the neighbourhood'. Yes, the thief will spend some time searching, but he'll get his hands on it eventually.

You know what? No matter what happens, I am never letting you near the security systems in my house.

_Two; Ammo and herbs._

The ammo and herbs could be found anywhere. Now I wonder... Who was roaming around on our property, scattering ammo and herbs like that? Don't tell me it was Alfred, because he's not that stupid. Nor was it that Rodrigo, because even though he had a gun, he never used it. You know why he never used it? Because he had no bullets.

You see, Capcom... The people that worked on that island weren't allowed to use loaded guns. It's because of Alfred. I mean, you have seen my dear brother shoot his rifle, have you not? Then you have also seen him miss Claire at several occasions.

So in order to prevent Alfred from feeling bad about his aim, everyone on the island had bad aim. And that was for only one reason; their guns did not have ammo, and that makes it hard to practice your aim.

So tell me, where did it come from? If it came from the man who wears his sunglasses at night, I want nothing to do with it.

_Three; Hunter-scanners._

Do you know how hard it is to walk around on your own property, with all those scanners hanging around? Let me tell you... It is very hard.

Now I won't complain too much, but when I entered one of the buildings, those scanners found me and sent me a hunter. My, was I annoyed! I had to kill it all by myself, which wasn't too hard, but in the process of doing so, I nearly burned the whole building down to the ground with my flammable blood.

I'm not saying you should leave the hunter-scanners out, because they weren't made up, they were in the buildings. I'm just saying a cut-scene of me kicking their ugly behinds would be nice. Because after all, Chris wasn't the only one bothered by them.

You should have seen me kill one when I didn't have the chance to get dressed after waking up yet. I bet it would've made that bump in your pants grow a little larger. And that probably wouldn't hurt, since I doubt it's that big at the moment.

Barbarians.

_Four; Bandersnatches._

You know, bandersnatches are very, very sticky. They stick to pretty much everything you throw them against, like those toys some parents buy for their children.

Because Alfred thought the bandersnatches had a pretty colour, he used to put them into a cannon, aim the cannon at the wall, and shoot it. They would stick to the wall and give the room a whole different colour, just by sticking along a little. Now I don't think you included that room in your barbaric game, so I suggest you do so when you get on that re-make.

It was rather amusing, until they died of starvation and started to smell like a mosh pit filled with sweaty and bloody heavy metal-heads. But that is besides the point.

_Five; Transformation._

I transformed right in front of the man who wears his sunglasses at night. I know for a fact he has sent you a letter about this game too. There is one thing you did not include in the game though, and I doubt he wrote you anything about it...

When I transformed my breasts were visible for a while. Then, when I was done, only one still was. While I was busy showing off my amazing powers, said man was staring at my breasts. For quite a while. And for some reason, he didn't stop even after I had fully transformed. You know what I am talking about, because in the game you see his eyes all widened and amazed, just like they looked in real life.

Now what I did when I saw that? I bitch-slapped him, because no man stares at my breasts that way. It is rude, and therefore he needed to be punished. Please include that slap, because it was funny and a little embarrassing for him.

_Six; The Blob._

In this barbaric game of yours, I was the final boss. I was a pretty final boss at first, but then you had to make me mutate into one of the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my entire life. And do remember, I live with a man who wears make-up on regular basis.

Now, I never transformed into that... blob. I never even transformed into that flying creature you have to kill with that laser. No, I just remained in my first form, because a woman that carries 'Ashford' as a last name, cannot be ugly. Not even after mutating, getting shot and all those other things you did to me. So keep me pretty, okay? No blob, no giant spider, no creature that looks like a teethed vagina, but something pretty.

If you fail to keep me pretty, I will turn you into a Blob, and yes, I can do that.

_Seven; The King and the Queen._

'There was a friendly, but naive king,  
who wed a very nasty queen.  
The king was loved but...  
the queen was feared.'

Just in case you are wondering; I am not in love with my dear brother. We may be close, but not that close. The only reason I sang that song with Alfred on my lap, was because for some reason, I couldn't remember the words to 'Walking on Sunshine'.

I do now. 'I'm walking on sunshine, ooh ooh, and don't it feel good?'

You might want to add that to the game, since I'm sick of people asking me 'if incest runs in the family'. It's not a funny question whatsoever, so I keep killing the people who do so, and by that I am slowly killing myself because I can only kill properly by losing some blood in the process.

**So...**

I think that sums up the things that annoy me the most while playing that barbaric game. I would've loved to state my opinion on Alfred's cross-dressing habits, Rodrigo, Steve's tiny testicles and Resident Evil The Darkside Chronicles, but I can't. I just heard Alfred yell at me from the lawn, and that means that giant worm is chewing on him again, so I must run to once again save my dear brother's life.

Keep everything I told you in mind, and get on that re-make. If you do as I tell you, I will be happy enough to leave you alone for a few weeks. If you refuse to grant my wishes, then I suggest you make sure your office is located near the fire-department, because I am not afraid of burning things down to the ground.

Yours sincerely,  
Alexia Ashford.

P.S.  
I know you have the address of that man named 'Jack Krauser'. Could you be kind enough to give me his address? He was so obsessed with his own power in Resident Evil 4, that I think I might've found my soulmate. Thank you in advance.  


* * *

I'm on an updating-roll. :D Okay, once again, you get to pick who is next;

**Jack Krauser II** (Darkside Chronicles version) or a very **OOC Ada Wong **(RE4).

If you liked this, please leave me a review ^^ :)

FUNK.


	3. Krauser's second Letter

Krauser beat Ada, it really is that simple.

Thanks a lot for reviewing Alexia's letter;  
**Desert Starr, rockof90, Master of the Cupcake, XSakixTakashiX, Frozen Labyrinth, Zombiegirl2007, d-chan-67, AerisTifaYuffie, WeskyTron4211, Gerkyhen and Inochi N- f.O.G.**

I do not own Jack Krauser, or anything else from the game Resident Evil the Darkside Chronicles. Capcom does.

**Warnings;**Slight bashing, for this is Krauser. OBVIOUS spoilers for RE DC.

Just a small note; I do NOT like Manuela. If you do, and can't stand the thought of me cracking a bad joke or complaining about her, then I suggest you click the tiny X in the corner of your screen. **I warned you.**

**Enjoy. **

* * *

_Capcom..._

Guess who's back, back again... It'd be Jack, run while you can.

First of all I would like to point something out that has to do with my first letter. I sent you a picture of myself, holding a sign that said 'Capcom is going down'. I specifically asked you to send me that picture back, as I looked very good in it. I never got my picture back, so if I do not find it on my doormat very soon, I will set fire to your office. Or perhaps my new friend, Alexia, will. She holds a grudge against you too, so I bet I could get her to help me out here.

_My picture, I want it back._

Now that we got that out of the way, let's move on to the actual subject of this letter. I have played your new Chronicles game, and I was very pleased to see you put me in it too... That is, until I finished the game, and realized that you have been making me look like a fool again. I am not a fool, so I will now, as I did before, explain what has bothered me and what needs to be changed. I really hope that this time, for once, you will actually read a letter before disposing of it.

I need to add though that I will also point out the things I did like, because maybe it will make you feel better and thus more motivated to change certain parts of the game.

Now let's get this thing over with.

_1. The start.  
_The way the game starts is just brilliant. Leon almost getting killed by a snake, because he prefers to stare at a butterfly, is pretty damn awesome to me.  
The fact that I killed said snake while Leon was being a clueless fool, amused me even more. I must say, that was one of the funniest cut-scenes in the whole Resident Evil series, so you should keep it that way.

_2. My appearance.  
_For the love of all that is sacred to me, I look amazing. I must say that I pull off big muscles a lot better than that Redfield bastard does... The only problem with my appearance is that you made my head a bit too small. Or maybe you made my muscles too big... No wait, that ain't possible, my muscles can never be too big.

Fix my head, will ya?

_3. A missing dog.  
_I'm not quite sure whether there was a missing dog in real life, but in the game you placed a poster of a missing dog on the same wall that had posters of missing girls.  
I know that is a strange detail to notice, but it made me smirk. You can keep the dog, Capcom. If it is a dog, anyway... I just thought about this again, and it could've also been a really ugly girl.

Ahwell, doesn't matter... Ugly girls need to be in games too, so keep it/her anyway.

_4. The helmets.  
_Some of the zombies are wearing helmets, which amusingly enough, you can shoot off their heads. However, some of the helmets they were wearing were pink.

Just because they are zombies, does not mean you should take their privilege of looking like a man away from them. The ladies wear pink, the men wear black. It really is that simple.

_5. The helmets II.  
_The helmets, they look like condoms. Now why on earth did you make them look like that? Just because they are zombies doesn't mean they wear their condoms on their heads. It makes no sense, Capcom. Change them into normal helmets, or even berets, but lose the condoms.

Of course the zombies get hostile if you make them look ridiculous. I know I would with a rubber on my head.

... Hehe, I actually tried to pull one over my head one time. For some reason it broke.

_6. That guide.  
_Did you see him? You made me and Leon all sad after seeing him die, but to be honest, I didn't give a damn. That guide was such a wuss, he wouldn't have been able to help us out anyway.  
Take it easy on the drama, Jack Krauser doesn't care about a lot of things but himself anyway.

_7. Manuela's singing.  
_Have you met my friend Alexia? Both Manuela and Alexia had the same virus, and both were singing.  
Alexia is obviously a better singer than Manuela. That isn't relevant, but I still felt like pointing that out.

Alexia looks a lot better too, actually... I should give her a call soon, I'm sure she'd like to see my condoms again. And no, they won't be on my head.

_8. First 'boss' fight.  
_It was easy, I only used my handgun, even though in real life, Leon and I both went through several shotgun shells and even a few grenades.

_9. My attitude.  
_Whenever I talk to Manuela, I sound like an asshole. I like it, it reminds me a lot of real life, so don't ever change that.  
I particularly enjoyed how you made me so blunt. Leon was being all sweet and understanding, and I just ruin the mood by saying things like "we're the ones who saved you," or "they're all dead," as if I didn't give a damn.

True, true, seeing as I really didn't.

_10. Leon! Leeoon... Leon!  
_Manuela only gave a damn about Leon, so it surprised me she never tried to shag him... Every single time she would see Leon again, she would be acting all worried... However, whenever she saw me, she hardly said anything.  
It does not please me whatsoever that that butterfly-loving fool is more interesting to the ladies than I am.

Did you not see my muscles? My blue eyes? My amazing beret?  
Or did you not hear my sexy voice?

Anyway, I have been thinking about this, and came to a very simple conclusion; Leon reminds Manuela of her girlfriends at school.  
And I see why, as Leon would make a great girlfriend.

Too bad for him he's not the best boyfriend material though.

_11. Manuela.  
_It appears you too noticed how she is whiny. She reminds me a lot of Ashley, but in a way, Ashley actually had a much more enjoyable personality. At least Ashley would every once in a while yell at someone and show some spunk, while Manuela never showed any of that. She reminded me more of a dog, while Ashley was more of a cat. I prefer cats over dogs, so it's not hard to understand who I liked more.

I don't like the drama in this game, and for some reason, it all had to do with her. I was actually glad about...

No, I will mention this at the end. Let's carry on.

_12. Javier Hidalgo.  
_What a monster. I'm not talking about the human organs, because that was just plain gross, but about his mutated form. He looked ridiculous and reminded me of Saddler in a certain way.

The only cool thing about his mutation were his joints, which brings me to...

_13. Shoot his joint!  
_For some reason Manuela suddenly decided his joints were his weak spots, and she started setting them on fire, while Leon and I tried to shoot them.  
I found this very funny, because a joint is also a name for a smoke that contains weed or pot, so technically, Manuela was lighting her father's joints.

No wonder he was such a strange man... If you can get your own damn daughter to light your joints, you're beyond addicted, you're just a fool.  
Safe to say, it made my day.

_14. The ending.  
_Manuela survived in real life, in case you wanted to know. But I preferred the 'bad' ending, because I was really sick of her moaning and groaning all game long.  
Also, to die the way she did wasn't all that bad, at least it looked cool. I died once, and it didn't look that cool, let me tell you that.

Then again, I had a mutated arm... So in the end, at least my death was more epic.

_15. Random thoughts._

- I liked how you made two chapters that contained my thoughts. I don't completely agree with the fact that at times, you made me sound scared, but still... You gave me, the one and only Krauser, some awesome screen time all for myself. And Leon didn't get any of that.

So yes, Krauser approves. Just make me sound less scared in certain parts... I wasn't scared, it was Leon who was scared. Which shouldn't be surprising seeing as how much of a fool he is... Getting distracted by a butterfly, what a joke of a 'man'.

- Sacred Snakes... What a stupid name, don't you agree? I hope you never give me some kind of gang in a video-game, because I really do not wish to be known as the leader of the 'Cunning Krausers', 'Beautiful Berets' or 'Jolly Jacks'. That'd be so wrong, I don't even have words for it.

- I like how you gave us alternate uniforms, even though it was a short and simple game, and you didn't see those uniforms in the cut-scenes. At least I did get to wear my beret, so really... I approve.

- I think you should put me in yet another game, and it would be lovely if, in that game, you would explain to everyone how I got my scars.

If you want details on how I got my scars, feel free to e-mail me, and I would gladly inform you... That is, if Wesker hasn't killed you already by the time you get this letter. I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case, because he is really angry these days. And no, it's not related to PMS.

- Oh yes, Wesker. I like him, I just thought I'd point that out to you once again. That man really helped me after the Hidalgo-problems, so you better show him some more respect and add a few more cut-scenes that have him in it. I bet he would appreciate it greatly.

- The last thing I wanted to point out that, despite some epic fails, you did make me look better than you did in RE4. I am mainly shown as a humorous, strong and hard-headed man, and those parts of my personality you captured very well.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go because the rest of the game didn't really interest me, and I don't feel like expanding my letter with meaningless comments on some of the conversations that took place in the game.

Apart from, maybe... Well, the Ashfords are awesome, and when Steve died, a fly landed in my eye, making me tear up a little.

... Oh yeah, one more time; Send that picture back! I will include another picture of myself holding a 'if you don't send my picture back, you're going down' sign. I hope that will finally make you feel like replying to my letters.

_Jack Krauser._

...

I just figured I would prevent Krauser from posting this letter before I had the chance to say something too. This is Wesker, and you will be expecting another letter from me soon, as it appears you never replied to my first and second.

Don't expect me to give up just because you ignore me all the time... The more you ignore me, the more you will hear from me, until I either get what I want, or until you die in the process.

Sincerely,  
_A.W._

...

Hahaha strangahs, I was havin' fun at the strangah's house when he told me he wrote y'all a letter again. I just felt like adding a lil' note, pointin' out that I want to be in another game too... Can't have a good game without someone that knows all about them guns, right?

Merchant.

...

Hi mom! This is Chris!

I was hanging out with Wesker, or more like, hiding from him, when I noticed this envelope. I figured I'd put my note in here, because otherwise I will forget to post it, and that will piss Claire off like nothing else ever would. Except for PMS, anyway.

I hope whoever receives this will forward this note to you... People who receive this; This is my mom's address;  
Mrs. Redfield - Bluegrass ... Streetway 665 ... 654993 AW ... Silent Hill.

Anyway, I will be home for Easter, and Leon is coming too because his mom is currently dating the president, and that pisses him off. Claire is coming too, and she's taking Steve, I believe. I wonder how, though. Ahwell, doesn't matter. SEE YA!  
Your lil Christopher.

* * *

Pfffffffffffff... This took a while, but hey, better late than never. Unless you hated it, but then I don't understand why you are still reading.  
You gotta looooove the Krauser. :) Tee-hee.

Ahwell, if ya liked, leave a comment. If ya hated, flamers will be forced to smoke Javier's joints. Which sounds wrong, now that I think of it...

Also, feel free to leave the name of who you want to write a letter. ^^

- FUNK.


	4. Chris, RE5

I know, it only took me about 4 or 5 months to get this done. It just didn't work out, and I was addicted to RE5 co-op, it's a lot of fun. I've turned on my PS3 and will now run through the game just to finish this.

**Warnings;** Chris may be OOC. This contains some crack. I completely re-wrote the ending of RE5 for some reason. Mild language. Very, **very** mild sexual references.

Thanks a lot for reviewing chapter 3; **MistressMaryD., boss-slayer, riddlebox89, Desert Starr, CallMeKenpachi, Gerkyhen, XSakixTakashiX, kelley28, Jay Zero Snake, Moonlit Assassin, WeskyTron4211, d-chan-67, Ava-Connie, Vampuric Spider, RE lover and A Chesire's Grin.**

_I really, really appreciate it!_

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Hi, Capcom!

This is Chris Redfield, and like some of the people I both like and dislike, I felt the need to write you a letter. Not just to complain, but also to rant, praise and share my opinions on the good parts of your game.

Here we go… Starting with a few simple things I would like to point out.

**My appearance!  
**  
Oh lovely, I look so good… So muscular, so tall, so boyish yet mature. Capcom, you did a wonderful job at capturing my looks, I have no complaints about that part whatsoever.  
The only thing I find sad is that nobody in the game commented on them. Then again, maybe they were used to seeing Krauser. I know that once you've seen the Krauser, nothing can surprise you anymore.

But still, Capcom… A compliment would've been nice.

**Costumes!  
**  
Some of them were brilliant! I liked the Warrior one most, but I also enjoyed seeing myself run around in the Heavy Metal one and the Zebra pajamas.  
Everyone I know says they weren't pajamas, but I am Chris, so I should know better. They were pajamas. How I know that? Well, I actually own a pair of pajamas just like that! Whenever I wear them, Jill goes nuts and jumps me. They're good pajamas, they bring me a lot of luck.

I however wasn't too sure about my S.T.A.R.S. uniform. I know the fangirls love it, and so do I, but… They are so old right now, if I ever wore them again, they would rip from fear. As you may have noticed, I have grown quite a big since the nineties, so it doesn't fit anymore anyway.

I also feel a bit gross when I think about wearing that uniform again. It has had all of my body's fluids on them, so I prefer to only touch it with gloves now.

**Sheva's Costumes!**

They rocked my socks off. That is all I can say about them. My favorite was the Tribal one, closely followed by Fairytale. Oh my, no complaints there whatsoever.  
I must make sure Jill doesn't read this, I don't think she would appreciate it.

**Professional mode!  
**  
It-was-awful.  
I thought, after Veteran, Pro would be a walk in the park, but boy was I wrong… I started off nicely, but as I got to Ndesu, I realized it would very probably take me a bit longer than the four hours I was planning to spend on it.  
I actually had to team up with Wesker to beat him, but Wesker refused to really help me out until I had died a total of fifty times. Then he messaged me on PlayStation Network;

'_Chris… That was pathetic. My not-so-sincere apologies for waiting this long to help out, I was watching my hair grow. Perhaps you might want to consider playing Pikachu's Island instead, because you're really not that great at Resident Evil.  
Albert Wesker.'_

He's such a nice man, isn't he?  
… Not really, no.

He was also supposed to help me with the Wesker and Jill fight, but once again only after I died a certain number of times. I then messaged him with 'Wesker, help!' and he commented back with the rather obvious;

'_Chris… I refuse to shoot myself in the back. Not because I don't know how to, but because I don't see the point in hiding. You see, Chris;  
You can't hide forever!  
Albert Wesker.'_

I then got scared and removed Wesker from my Friends List. I now have nightmares every time I hear him say that in the game. It's a good thing I live with Jill, otherwise I might've moved to Sweden.

To get back to my actual point; I did not finish on Pro until someone who should never be mentioned befriended me, and helped me out. Oh how I wish that person would be online more. We would have a blast.

**My personality in the game.  
**  
It makes a lot of sense to me, really. I come across as sturdy and loyal, and that is exactly what I am. I seem caring too, which is Jill's favorite trait in me.  
I, however, do not curse in real life. You see, Jill is a bit Christian, meaning she believes in God whenever she needs Him for something. So, ever since we moved in together, Jill told me that every time I would curse, I would have to buy her jewelry.

I stopped cursing right away by applying a very simple trick while wanting to curse; I changed almost all curse words I would use into animals. Examples;

"God damnit, Wesker!" became "Goat damnit, Wesker!"

Other examples;  
Crap becomes Crab.  
Bollocks becomes Bullocks.  
Fuck becomes Duck.  
Shit becomes Sheep.  
Motherfucker becomes Daddy. Because that one actually makes a whole lot of sense, and my daddy could be quite the animal at times. He was a hunter, you see?  
Son of a Bitch becomes Chris. Because I am a son of my mother, and my mother worked for the police. And well, you know what they say about the police, all bitches and mofos. I'm not sure how she is an animal, though.

I'm sure you get the point now, so… If you ever make a RE-make, consider changing the times I curse into the times I use words I just wrote down a second ago. Thank you in advance.

**Then there were the people in the game…**

_Sheva.  
_Sheva is sweet, Sheva is pretty, Sheva is cute and Sheva has gorgeous headlights on her car. (She drives a Volkswagen Beetle!)  
I can't complain about her whatsoever. I thought she was a great partner in real life, and in the game she wasn't too bad either. The only thing that bothered me was how it sometimes took her forever to arrive at her destination in the game (my side, that would be). Especially during a speed through this had caused me quite the few problems.

In an attempt to get around that, I did that before I started to play on Professional, I teamed up with Wesker playing as Sheva. This is what our chat looked like;

**Chris; **Wesker, come on! I'm on the elevator, you need to get in too. Press O!  
**Wesker;** I cannot do that.  
**Chris;** Why not? COME ON you said we'd speed through!  
**Wesker;** Sheva cannot come, she is claustrophobic, no elevators for her…

And then, an hour or so later;

**Chris;** HURRY! This isn't a walk in the park!  
**Wesker;** Sheva is lost, you might want to try and pick her up so you can show her the way…

Then I noticed, on the map on the PDA, that Wesker was constantly running from me, thus ending the purpose of a speed through.

**Chris;** You can't hide forever!  
**Wesker;** I am currently sending your PS3 a virus, if I were you, I would disconnect as soon as possible… Oops, too late.

He never sent me a virus, I think, but I did freak out big time.  
Anyway, improve game-Sheva's Artificial Intelligence, and she will make the perfect partner, just like in real life.  
She really was a good partner… I'm still bummed out she is banging Josh Stone, otherwise I might've had to get myself a threesome.  
**  
**_Irving;  
_Yeah… I have no words, to be honest. But killing him in that boss-fight was easy, on all difficulties.

Jus' sayin'…

_Excella;_  
Not sure what to say about her… In real life she looked better than in the games, that's for sure. However, in real life, she didn't seem half as sane. I think you didn't do a very good job at portraying Excella, but that doesn't really matter, she isn't worth the trouble anyway.

I did, however, like her voice-actress. That woman sounded very sexy, so after playing the game, I was constantly urged to put on my Zebra pajamas and show them to Jill… Because Jill + Pajamas = Lucky Chris.

_Josh;_  
Awesome guy, you portrayed him perfectly well. I liked his accent, his looks and everything he did. Don't change Josh, or I might have to yell at you.

_The little people, named Dave, Kirk, Reynard, Dechant and Ozwell E. Spencer;_  
Yeah… I wasn't impressed. They helped the story, but Reynard didn't even exist in real life. As for Spencer…  
Did you know the E. stands for Ebbelbuez? If you scramble the letters you get Beelzebub, which literally means 'Lord of the Flies'. He must not have smelled very nice… Then again, in Christianity he is also supposed to be a demon, so maybe the name fit him after all.

It doesn't matter anymore, because out of all people that are supposed to be dead, but aren't, Spencer is the only exception.  
He really did die, and let us all be happy about that.

_Jill;_  
She's mine, and mine alone. You did well portraying her, but in real life I did not just leave her behind like that. I first made sure she was safe with Josh, and whenever I had the chance, I would make an attempt to contact her.

I seem like quite the bad partner right after the 'we have to get that device off her chest!' thing, and that really saddens me. I am Chris, I am caring and loyal, so none of my partners will ever be left behind.

… Except Brad, but hey, you can't safe everyone right? I don't like chickens anyway, in this videogame they actually attacked me, and that immediately cured me of my love for the feathery beings.

_Wesker;_  
I was not saving the best for last, because the best characters are obviously Jill and Sheva. I was saving him for last because it is ducking hard to really form an opinion on his appearance in the game.

He seemed like the old Wesker in the beginning, but as time went by in the game, he became obsessed. I didn't like that, because had all that really happened in real life, then I wouldn't have to still listen to his rants and speeches whenever I see him at parties.

Wesker did not become obsessed with killing me, and I bet he already wrote you a letter stating that too. He instead just got tired of me after the 'seven minutes', and ran off to do Goat-knows-what. The only reason Uroboros wasn't released was because his foot got stuck in a pothole, and he was too late for his next injection. By that time, I had already secured Uroboros, making them MYoboros.

I tell that joke a lot, but nobody seems to get it. That really bugs me, you know that?

Anyway, Wesker tried to get his precious virus back from me, but I had forgotten it was a virus, and therefore accidentally infected myself when I broke a vial. I got infected and guess what;

MYoboros accepted me!

With my new awesome powers I picked Wesker up from the ground, threw him into a chopper and then we all flew off to the BSAA headquarters.  
However, Wesker knew something could go wrong and then jumped out of the chopper, disappearing into the sea. We thought he had died, but my PS3 tells me otherwise.

That was what really happened, though I understand you killed him in the game, I would get sick of looking at that man all the time too.

I bet He didn't mention all this in his Letter, did he? He's too proud to admit I am all powerful too now. It's kind of a shame really, but at least he leaves me alone now. To a certain extent.

**The Monsters!**

Oh Capcom, some of them scared me in the game! I will happily, yet slightly ashamed, include a list of who or what has killed me, and how many times… Here we go;

Ndesu, 75 times.  
Jill, 37 times.  
Wesker, 21 times.  
Crocodile, 20 times.  
Reaper, 19 times.  
Majini Base, 16 times.  
Majini Town, 16 times.  
Licker, 13 times.  
Reaper, 10 times.  
Uroboros, 6 times.

The worst creatures were the reapers, closely followed by the Lickers and Crocodiles. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when the crocodile ate me the first time, because I did not see that coming!

Leon, by the way, told me that Ndesu is a brother of El Gigante. I would like to send my condolences to El Gigante; I am sorry for killing your ugly sibling.

**The conversations!**I can't really complain about this either! The only conversations I did not like were the ones that involved Irving, and thankfully, there weren't that many of them.  
Sure, the ranting and raving from Wesker got on my nerves too, but in the end I think he wasn't that bad to listen to. At least now I have a few new quotes that work well in certain situations. As a matter of fact, the whole game gave me appropriate quotes, I would like to thank you for that.

**To end this quickly!**

There was more I wanted to talk about, mainly a lot of things that happened in the cut-scenes, but when my potbelly pig sat down on my injured foot, I cursed out loud, so I must leave to buy Jill jewelry. I feel really bad now, because only a small amount of time ago, I told you to replace all curse words with animals.

Well, you know what… I'm still human, I couldn't help it.

Now what to get her? Another ring? It's too bad she doesn't have eleven fingers like I do…

Never mind what I said. All in all, it was a good game. I had fun playing it, and I will definitely give it another try sometime soon. But with my co-op partner who should never be mentioned, because Wesker is just the worst partner one could get, and let that be a lesson for a future.

Sincerely,  
Chris Redfield.

Dear Capcom,  
Jill here. I just read my boyfriend's letter, and I would just like to point out I am not that bad of a person as I might seem after reading this. Yes, I make him buy jewelry, but on the other hand…  
Did you see those zebra pajamas? Every time he wears them, I have to have sex with him because I hate those pajamas so damn much.  
I think it's only fair to get something in return.  
You can expect a letter from me too, at some point. But not just yet, because I am busy.  
Jill.

Ohai Capcom!  
Just in case you're wondering; I am that awesome co-op partner that should never be mentioned!  
But because I should never be mentioned, I won't tell you who I am. I've always wanted to be mysterious to the masses, so this is like a dream come true!  
The only thing I want to say about RE5 is… Get rid of those dogs, I hate dogs. A lot.  
Mystery man.

* * *

If you guess who the mystery man was, you'll get a... guinea pig treat, probably. I'm out of candy.

I'm sorry if this was a bit random. I did have a whole lot of fun writing this, and can now, with all honesty say; I like Chris Redfield.  
Never thought that would ever happen.

If you liked it, feel free to comment. If you didn't; Go read something else to get this off your mind!  
I must run, co-op appointment is waiting. Lmao.

Until next time,  
FUNK


End file.
